Hirut (M’cleod) Johnson

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

We love our father. Now that I have a boy I understand differently how much he loved us. You love your children enough to be better, to have courage, to be joyful, to have hope, to fight.

This is how papa loved us.

Papa was never too tired to talk about how many questions I asked as a child. I would endlessly ask ‘papa, what is this?’ At some point, he have me a picture dictionary as a gift. When I highlighted that I couldn’t read all the words he said, ‘Well now you will have to learn’. For papa learning was loving. Learning was living.

Truthfully, I don’t have grand memories to share just the mundane ones. The ones that are the foundation of steadfastness and love.

⁃ Papa teaching me how to cut my nails and keep my hands clean,
⁃ always willing to push the merry go round faster so that I felt well and dizzy,
⁃ watching in anticipation as papa built my first red BMX bike which I’m sure I tried to sleep with,
⁃ Papa letting Ronke and I sleep in the same bed with him when mommy was in the hospital with our new brother Rinde, ⁃ Papa taking bubble baths with baby Rinde
⁃ His endless love of impossible tasks, move this box up a flight of stairs or arm wrestling or trying to beat him at chess, ⁃ Papa’s infamous afternoon napping while Rinde played happily around him, ⁃ the family ‘races’ around the house to have us burn off steam before bedtime ⁃ Weekly calls with Ronke while she was in college
⁃ singing Bob Marley songs wrong which made him laugh,
⁃ his voluminous record and CD collections which made for loud Saturday mornings ⁃ Papa on the phone with me at 1 am when I had obstacles to face ⁃ watching papa compose love notes in cards for mommy.

Of all these billion and one moments of fatherhood what I will miss most his voice. Singing boldly in church when it was a hymn he loved. Telling us fantastic stories of his travels, speaking to all men and women with care and respect. Worrying about others. Calling my name gently to wake up in the morning, to notice some plant, to watch some new wonder on TV.

Who will fill my life with words, music and wonder? Everything is so quiet now. Who will acknowledge and care for me when I’m in pain giving me courage to be stronger? Who will ask me to be kind when my heart fills with anger or disappointment?

To live in this world
you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go. Mary Oliver

I started by saying we love papa, I’ll add and he loved us. This mutual love made every moment we had with him at the end equal parts tragic and easy. ⁃ easy to laugh with him
⁃ Easy to watch football
⁃ Easy to take care of
⁃ Easy to hold and eventually let go

Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky.” -Hafiz